Death of a Friendship

I went to a medium sized college on Long Island, and in my first year, I joined the student newspaper. That's where I met my best friend at the time, Dave. Dave looks a little bit like a midget version of Elvis Costello, with a hefty portion of Jewish thrown into the mix. He has the aura of Woody Allen, with all the humor and idiosyncrasies thrown in.

We became attached to each other instantly, sharing the same taste in music and movies, with the same encyclopedic knowledge of those things. We also found the same things funny, and there wouldn't be a day that we wouldn't hang out.

Dave is a bit older than me, and was a bit older than the average college student, which made our time in college shorter than most. He graduated during my sophomore year.

His residence was in Brooklyn, so from Long Island and with the energy of a 20 year old, visits to him were frequent. I would meet him in the city, and we would go to the art movie houses, or see concerts of musicians whose names are barely known.

I became close friends with his family, and was there for him when his mother died, just as he was for me when my father died.

As he entered the job market, his time was shorter than that of a freer college student, but we always managed to talk on the phone most days while he burned up the company phone. We would goof around, or he and I would do schtick to amuse ourselves. It is a rare thing when you can be funny with another person as if you were a comedy team.

I would play guitar on the phone for him, letting him listen to new songs I penned, and he was always supportive. He taught me how to play songs, and I would make him copies of tapes of music I liked. Music and Movies... a strong bond.

My visits became less and less as the years went on; 40 miles to Brooklyn and the road system to get there was becoming less of a novelty and much more of a chore, and his complex system of train travel would take him several hours to get to my home. He also had found a girlfriend, so his time was limited that way.

But we did have the phone, and would call each other twice a week, goofing off on the company dime. Then it was once a week. Then every other week. We were down to once a month. My birthday came and went; unusual for him not to take me out, and give a gift. I called and left messages when his birthday came and went. No answer.

Then, for a week straight I called him everyday, usually in the morning when I know he wouldn't be too busy. Then I called during noon. Nothing but his voice mail. I usually would call once more before I quit for the day. No answer. Remember, phones in companies like ours have caller id... he would have an idea who would be ringing through.

I left the last message two weeks ago. I told him that I haven't been able to talk to him in several months... so I was just going to stop calling. I never got a response.

He is another page in a chapter of people who I have just lost friendship with. Ex-girlfriends, kids from elementary or junior high school. The gang I hung out with in high school, who I spent hours a day with during the week, and all weekend together, literally overnight wouldn't call me back once they left high school and returned from the first semester of college. I had honestly, like 20 great friends in college who I have no idea where they are, what they have become, what they are doing.

People grow apart, grow up, or just grow different. Your friendship is no longer worth the effort to hold contact with; it is either replaced or no longer worth the price of maintaining.

I don't know what happened in this case, whether I have done things that just made it no longer worth the effort, or whether I have offended, or if I just remind him of things he is not anymore. People just go away... whether they die, move, or just close the connection. Maybe there is no reason. Perhaps relationships with people can offer only so much, and that you become saturated with what that person has to give; you reach a point where you can no longer accept anything from that relationship and you move on to someone who has something different to offer.

In examining this, I am reminded of people I know who are dear friends with so many of their high school and college friends. They have remained friends through moves, marriages, divorces, children, fights, clashes, etc. What do they have that's different? Are they not evolving, so their connections are still beneficial? Perhaps they are both evolving so their ties are constantly providing new stimulation.

If most of my friendships die off, what does this mean for my future? What do I have to look forward to? I am in deep love with someone, and she with me. Will this suffer the same fate as all my other relationships? I have had girlfriends who I was in love with, and they have left me, with the exception of two that I abandoned. Is it me who is the problem?

Perhaps it is normal.  Everything dies eventually.   Some before their time, some right on cue.  It's a sad event, because the one person you want to share your feelings with is no longer with you. 

When someone close to you dies, you will talk to them.   Whether or not you consider that praying, that's a personal question.  Dave, wherever you are, whatever you are doing... I hope you are doing well and I hope that you are happy.

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